My dating life

I have come to realize that dating is like a comedy of errors, especially as an adult. I have asked girlfriends, read books, talked to guy friends for dating advice. But what comes to my mind is if this is the natural thing, why does it seem so hard? I have also realized that I am not alone in this process of trying to date in your thirties with kids. So maybe, if you're reading this we can work on things together, and at the least laugh!

Let me premise my dating history to sum up where I am at the present moment.

My divorce was official June 2006, I had two young kids and no family to speak of here in Oregon. It was me, and just me. A week after my divorce was final, I tore my ACL,LCL, and Patellar tendon and was in a cast for 8 months. I was healing mentally and physically which probably was a good thing because no one should really date right after divorce. My friend, Steve, dubbed me as a “fucking train wreck”.

When I had moved into my new place, I had nothing. You see my marriage had fallen apart and my ex, well, anyone who knows him, knows,~ just don’t argue with him,~ it is not worth it, let it go. So I did. I let everything stay with him, and I moved out with $500 bucks a friend loaned to me, a few minor things and my freedom: freedom to be loved like I should be loved. I left a 400K house behind for a 2 bedroom 900 sq foot apartment. And I cried. I cried for it seemed like ever. I had two kids a busted up leg, no help and no idea how I was supposed to date again. So I tried my hand at dating, adult style… these are some of the worst dating stories so far:

1) Zodiac Killer~ Let’s see, how to meet men, ok grocery store, check I have one close by! Yeah, first bad mistake. He seemed normal. Handsome man, established, articulate, had a balanced diet in his basket, but not in his head. He met me at a rose park and then proceeded to ask if I cared for a drink. He had packed a cooler, nice wine. “Sure” I replied. He poured one glass, and I oddly looked at him, (WTF) came to mind as he cracked an O’Douls, non alcoholic beer. He explained he was a recovering alcoholic. In the span of what seemed like minutes he had consumed 12 non alcoholic beers. Red flag!! Run away, said the little voice in my head, but I stayed. Next, we went to the movies, he picked Zodiac Killer. My date took me to see a serial killer movie! WTF, I was confused and a little scared. Then during the movie, he proceeded to tell me he had an oral “thing” again (WTF) and flossed his teeth in the middle of the movie. Yes- check next date. No, I did not return his calls for a second date.

2) NJ Dating~ Did not date for a while after that episode, thought maybe all the men in Oregon were gay, wierdos or already taken. Let’s try the East coast. Well, there is a commitment gone wrong in a bottle. Let’s try to start dating again, and let’s see, maybe date a guy who is as far away from you as oh, um Jupiter. Ok retard, be realistic. Date a man in Oregon. Ok, …two boyfriends later. I realize this isn’t working. Back to Oregon men.

3) Sunglasses Guy~ I had a friend set me up on a blind date. We met at a restaurant. He was wearing sunglasses, yeah it was sunny, but not inside. He ordered his food and while we were waiting, showed me the pictures of his ex girlfriend the Tropicana Bikini Model who was 23. Hmm. Alrighty then, “She lookes tan” I replied. He also told me he was worth a shit load of money and loads of women want to date him…. his words… narcissistic huh? ( any one who knows me, know I don’t care about that crap at all) Dinner is done, he says “Why don’t you go get your car and meet me back here. I parked valet.

Well, I don’t pay for my parking I told him and said my car was two blocks down, would you like to walk with me.

“No”, he said, I will wait for you. He drove a corvette—yellow—assholes usually drive corvettes, and I was right. I got in my car and did a quick 911 to my girlfriend. “Can I just ditch this guy”, I asked, “hold on she said, “ I’ll ask my husband”. She comes back on the line. “ My husband said you are totally in the right to ditch him. When he turns you stay straight” Check got it… next date!!!

4) Fubu .~ Coffee shop, next logical place to meet a man. There is a handsome man in line with me, he strikes up a conversation and then asks for my number. Score! I am excited, he knows a man I teach with, a good friend of mine. I run a security check on him, my buddy, he gives me the go ahead! Seems like a great guy… a few weeks pass… he starts talking like a black guy. Now I have no problems dating a black man, in fact I am sure there are very nice single black men out there, but well, this guy I was dating was WHITE, not black at all. I get a little more and more uncomfortable with his slow progression, and people seem to look at him oddly. He is tucking his sweatshirts into his sweatpants that he pulls up to his rib cage too.

Must ask girlfriends about this, it doesn’t seem normal. Jane says, under no circumstances is this normal and dubs him FUBU—it stands for For Us By Us and is an urban outfit company.~ Christmas time, exchanging of presents.~ I painted a nice oil painting for him. We exchanged gifts, he presented me with… drum roll please…a plastic grocery bag all tied up. Strange I thought. He relied, “ I got you used knives off EBAY girl, Merry Christmas!. I untied the bag looked inside, yes indeed were 10 knives and a dusty butcher block in the bag. I handed the bag back and stated, “Oh no, this will not do. You must go!” Jane then dubbed him FUBU EBAY USED KNIVES.

Ok, realize dating man compass is defiantly broken! I must fix my magnetic compass. I must find a good man. What did I do, I bought a dog!


Ps. Finally met a great man, keep your fingers crossed for me.